


shattered dreams of liquid gold

by CaptainCaptainJill



Category: Death Stranding (Video Games)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Beach Sex, Character Study, Complete, Dom/sub Undertones, Fluff, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, Gender-neutral Reader, Grief/Mourning, Higgs is a manipulative piece of shit but he loves you in his own twisted way, MAJOR SPOILER WARNING, Mild Smut, Mildly Dubious Consent, NSFW, Other, Past Abuse, Reader-Insert, Smut, Spoilers, poem
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-23
Updated: 2021-02-23
Packaged: 2021-03-13 23:48:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,642
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29659194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptainCaptainJill/pseuds/CaptainCaptainJill
Summary: How to love a fleeting particle.
Relationships: Higgs Monaghan/Reader
Comments: 6
Kudos: 7





	1. At the Beach

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Peggysuave](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Peggysuave/gifts).



> This is a gift for the lovely Peggysuave. I just wanted to say thank you again and choose this as a way of expressing my gratitude <3 Sorry it took me so long to write it, but my bratty little muse was metaphorically speaking on vacation in a remote town in a rural part of Europe xD Anyway. So Peggysuave, if you are reading this, I hope you like it :)
> 
> Basically a loose followup to my other Higgs/reader fic Till the very End, but it can absolutely be read detached from it.  
> Contains spoilers for the games ending!! Be aware of that.  
> It’s a bit experimental but I felt cocky ;)  
> Have fun.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And when he took you to the beach, he opened up his heart to you, allowing your delicate fingertips to caress his soul, while he irrevocably imprinted himself in your mind, painting a vague glimpse of a shared future that would never come true.

**At the Beach**

_Feeling the weight of his heart in your hands, you slowly began to understand him and his pain. Unfortunately it only drew you even closer towards him, strengthening your shared strand. The impossible connection. A cursed bond. Unbreakable._

**_Lambent incrementalism_ **

The first time Higgs took you to the beach was strange. He left you no time to object when he grabbed your shoulders, lifting you out of reality. Electricity pierced through the air and through your body. Your consciousness fell backwards into complete darkness, momentarily drifting across a void. The sensation of a forced chiral jump was more than horrifying, turning your stomach around as you disembarked on unknown territory. Upon impact your knees gave in. If he hadn’t held you in his arms, you would have fallen.

Somehow you managed to break free from his grip and stumbled a few steps away from him. He observed you with his vigilant gaze, hidden in the shadow of his black and golden hood. As you desperately took a deep breath the unearthly air ungraciously burned your lungs.

With tears streaming down your cheeks you took in the uncanny surroundings. Grey sand, dark water, black rocks. Despite you had never actually seen the place before you recognized it immediately. The beach. The fucking beach. A shiver chased down your back, leaving goosebumps and terror in its wake. You shouldn’t be here. You definitely shouldn’t be here. Not with him nor in this realm at all.

You cried, yelled and cursed at him. How he dared to bring you to this godforsaken place. If he felt anything in regard of your ruckus, then it didn’t reached his face. But as you lifted your hand against him in pure rage and confusion, he flinched. Panic appeared in his eyes, just for a second though.

His unexpected reaction sobered up your initial anger immediately, stopping your fist right before hitting him. He had caught himself around the same time. And taking advantage of your hesitation he lunged at you. Tackling you to the ground. Your back collided with a dark, shallow dune. He pinned your arms above your head. His innocent fear now masked with carnal desire, raw hunger.

You struggled hard against him, uselessly kicking and wiggling. He groaned in annoyance, but your skirmish continued. Until he placed his golden mask on your face, knocking the fight out of you. He instantly gained control. A dull pain spread across your cheeks. The eery metal seemingly melting into your skin, eliciting even more tears. Salt mingled with chiral matter imbruing your temples. He patted your hair, patiently waited until you steadied your breathing again. Focussing on the muffled roaring of the sea you eventually calmed down.

The beach held an eldritch atmosphere. Ancient to the core and stained with stardust. Hollow clouds, glowing forbiddingly, heavily veiled the tenebrous sky. In spite of the fresh breeze coming from the ocean, the overall temperature was indefinable. Unable to move you stared into the heavens, observing the ever shifting cloud pattern, wondering if they held a deeper meaning. To you, to him or to the universe at all.

He got rid of your pants in a swift motion and the sound of his zipper ripped through the feigned silence. His face appeared in your vision. Lazily you blinked at him. The hood was gone but the shadow had stayed. The golden mask swallowed your whimpers. Your body welcomed him nonetheless. Not waiting for you to adjust properly, he at least gratefully set up a slow pace.

Higgs was a stranger. Had you barely just met. Yet there was a feathery connection between you, undeniably tying your fates together. With every thrust the attraction grew even stronger. Your eyes trailed along his chin. Mouth slightly agape he panted, as he sped up. Lacking any physical strength you could only caress his face with your gaze. The cryptic glyphs inked into his forehead seemed to shift and rearrange themselves. A illegible message, yet you strangely identified it as the key to his mind. Unknowingly cracking the code to his consciousness your eyes pierced into his.

And there it was. Higgs’ inner workings messily taped and scribbled onto the depressingly dark walls of a bunker. Hidden deep down under ground. Deep inside himself. Black and red paint. Madness phrased and ready to be misinterpreted by every outsider. Pictures of his obsessions stuck randomly to the walls and ceiling. Chaotic at first glance, but for him everything was perfectly in place.

He closed his eyes and bluntly shut you out. You had seen enough though. All you had gotten was roughly a glimpse behind the drapery, heavy with years and years from hiding. Still you already knew him by heart. Every twitch of his body spoke clearly to you. He was angry, you could tell. You suspected that his brief moment of weakness towards you haunted him. Just like his past.

His movements lacked any form of gentleness, but he refrained from actually hurting you. The powerful thrusts were shaking your limbs, stealing your breath and coaxing sweet sounds out of you. He only chased after release for himself, utterly unconcerned about you. Burying himself deep within you he filled you with heat. When he left your aching body, you were so close to the edge. However, he ignored your quiet needy cries, tugging himself back in his pants.

Higgs left you dissatisfied and yet you felt content, blessed with your fascination for him. And the unspoken promise of his return.

**_Helianthus Hubris_ **

The second time Higgs took you to the beach was enlightening. Upon arriving you noticed straight away that something about the place had drastically changed. Thin clouds providing shade from a non-existing sun. Everything seemed so bright and friendly. A stark contrast compared to the last time.

On the patch of grass adjoining the grey sands a myriad of colorful flowers were blooming. Among them big yellow ones. Your eyes lightened up immediately.

_"Because of the death stranding so many species have gone extinct. Among them various plants. My mother had this big old book all about plants that existed before. I loved the flowers with bright colors. Sunflowers are my favorites. Tall and yellow. Just like the sun. They look so happy."_

Apparently he had listened carefully to your rambling that one day beneath a timefall shelter, when you were pressed against his shoulder, his cape carefully wrapped around you, keeping you warm.

Higgs followed, smiling to himself, while you darted into the field of flowers. Repleted with childish joy you jumped around, dancing lightheartedly until you threw yourself to the ground, diving into the colors. Feeling the texture of the plants they seemed astonishingly real. And in this moment you didn’t cared if they were real or not. Higgs had made them for you and that was all that mattered now.

He sat down, face turned towards you. Grinning you picked one particularly beautiful sunflower and crawled over to him. He seemed visibly amazed by your behavior. And he was unsure wether he understood you in this moment of giggling glee.

Sitting next to each other in the field the invisible sun bathed your forms with gentle warmth. The breeze seemed equally warm.

"Their petals are so soft.", you said, holding out the flower in front of him for him to take it.

He discarded his gloves, feeling the petals of the yellow, almost golden flower and nodded in agreement, then putting it aside. For the blink of an eye silence fell. And even the wind respectfully held his breath.

He reached for your face, surprisingly soft compared to usually. Fingertips brushing shyly over your cheeks. You met him halfway into the kiss. Hungrily he nibbled at your bottom lip, only breaking the kiss to strip you out of your clothes.

Then something remarkable happened. As you reached for his cape he helped you to take it off. Boldly you pulled at his shirt. He allowed you to get rid of the rest of his clothes as well. And with that his scars surfaced. Vulnerability radiated off of him. Hurt mirroring in his blazing eyes, he silently handed over the reigns to you.

Higgs allowed you to push him backwards into the grass, climbing over him. Straddling his hip you let your hands roam. Carefully you caressed his scars. The ones caused by cigarette butts pressed into young skin. The ones caused by forceful beats violently breaking innocent skin. You pressed your lips on his marked flesh, pouring every ounce of love you had onto and into him, draining you in the process. Not that you cared.

He became hard under your tender kisses, softly sighing. You positioned yourself on top of him, guiding him to your entrance, sinking down with a broken whine. You took your time and he patiently waited for you to start moving. His hands loosely held on to your hips as you rode him, allowing you to set the pace.

Through the windows to his soul you read his story. Moaning in unison he told you everything. Everything he had never said before. Your affection created a bridge for his past to cross and for the first time he could momentarily let the pain go. You hovered above him like a hopeful apparition, hands invitingly outstretched, urging him to follow you. The golden shackles around his ankles shattered as the heavy weight was liftet from his shoulders and he accepted your invitation to float away with you.

You loved him softly. Knowing he needed the softest touch. Knowing he deserved the softest touch. Your heavenly voice whispered to him, overshadowing her hellish orders evermore. In this instant, with you sitting on top of him, hips deeply connected, Higgs felt human again. The extinction entity had temporarily perished from his mind. Together with her grand finale for mankind. Soon Amelie would tighten the rope around his neck again. But for now he was at peace.

He allowed you to guide him through a shared paradise, adamantly grateful for your sincere love. You both plunged over the edge simultaneously, closing an infinite distance in the shortest amount of time, yet in slow motion. Then returning to the beach.

As you stood up and disconnected, you sensed a wet trail flowing down your leg. An idea sparked within you. Higgs lied at your feet, still catching his breath. You held out your hand, smiling at him. After a short moment he accepted and you tugged him to where the ocean met the sands. The waves were cold at first. Your companion stumbled and broke free from your grip. Undeterred you walked into the dark water. Turning around you laughed sweetly and signed him to join you. Hesitantly he followed. With unsteady legs Higgs waded towards you. He shivered, but not from the cold. Realizing that he disliked the ocean you embraced him, to endow him with security.

"Do you trust me?", the silent whisper was left unanswered.

You slowly sank down into the sea, taking him with you. He clung onto you, but you never let go.

And when you both lied in the grass you cradled him with your arms and placed his head on your chest, gently stroking his wet hair. He closed his eyes and enjoyed your loving attention, listening to your steady heartbeat.

**_Fervent sensuality_ **

The third time Higgs took you to the beach was glorious. He had chiral jumped directly in front of you, as you were peeling out of your clothes in order to take a shower, immediately grabbing your face and pulling you close and into a heated kiss. Surprised but not frightened you gave in and he dragged you through the void.

Landing at the beach he ripped off the remaining fabric hiding your body. Ignoring all the traces left from a difficult journey through the wasteland, he urged you backwards and you stumbled until you felt the soft grass at your naked feet.

The line of tar beneath his eyes casted a dreadful shadow reaching all the way into his soul. He wouldn’t tell you what had happened. And you wouldn’t ask him. It didn’t mattered anyway. Something was tugging at your inseparable bond. A sharp gnawing. Relentlessly stressing your connection. You were unable to identify the invader, but it had to be something powerful, someone tremendous.

He forced you down to your knees. Staring up at him your hands moved to his thighs, fingers reaching higher in order to free him. Following his unspoken command you licked his hardening length. Then you gently kissed his tip. Impatiently he grabbed a fistful of your hair and shoved himself past your lips. You did your best to comply, fingers clenched into the fabric of his clothes, tears prickling at the corners of your eyes.

Higgs was dangerous. His attention was dangerous. And you merited all of his. His watchful eyes would never leave you, when you wandered the rutted landscape, weighty cargo strapped to your back. Unknowing to you he guarded your journeys, he even instructed his fellow Homo Demens to let you pass their territory unharmed. He cared for you, because you cared for him. But everything comes with a price.

Your throat was burning, when he roughly pulled your head back. Pain rippling along your scalp, as he untangled his gloved fingers from your hair. Higgs lifted his leg, braced a heavy boot against your shoulder. Your eyes widened in surprise and you let out a strangled yelp. He knocked you flat on your ass. In an attempt to please him, you positioned yourself submissively for him, fully aware that today he would not show any mercy.

Towering over you, his face held a ferocious grin. Sunlight reflected on a sharp fang. Like a predator he attacked his prey. He bit your neck harshly. Covering your shoulders with dark love bites, tasting your blood and marking you as his possession.

You were unmistakably his. From the very moment of your fateful first encounter. This occurrence had been impossible to avoid, due to the fact that it had been written in the stars with dark crimson ink, a cruel masterpiece signed by extinction herself. From there on Higgs had weaved a golden thread across this doomed country, created a delicate web with the sole purpose of catching you. From the moment you entered the stage, his stage, he had followed you.

You sung for him, giving him the desperately needed confirmation how much power he had over you. Despite your unfettered compliance he shoved the golden mask onto your face, rendering you unable to touch him. Higgs yearned for your fingers to delicately brush over his chin, however, at the same time he feared it vigorously. In his eyes your hands possessed mysterious, godlike powers and they scared him. Learning by birth that hands were instruments used to inflict pain, he tend to shy away from your softness, meeting you with roughness instead.

He grabbed your legs and lifted them over his shoulders. Gaining unrestricted access to you, he pushed himself in, stretching you. The golden jaw sprung open and released your now unmuffled moans. He really wanted to hear you.

Using his teeth he pulled the gloves from his hands and tossed them aside. Now being able to feel your hot skin beneath his fingertips he grasped your hips firmly. He dragged his nails along your sides, leaving red marks. More evidence of his ownership.

He was burning with passion. Every thrust, every touch, every kiss and every bite was made of pure hellfire, forged in the inferno. He poured all of it onto you, scorching you in the process.

Higgs pushed you directly into a void out. Your vision momentarily turning black and white, you felt yourself tumbling backwards and head first into nothingness. Heat exploding in your lower half.

While you tried to calm down, he pulled out and released on your stomach. Glistening pearls. Grinning he scooped up part of his essence and brought it to your face for you to taste him. Obediently you sucked on his finger. Intended on returning the favor he bowed down. Licking along your pelvis, he enjoyed your soft sighs.

When he pressed his mouth on your sensitive flesh, your tone changed. High pitched moans crawled through the golden teeth. You even begged him to stop. Ignoring your pleas he continued working on your overstimulated sex. Your legs were violently shaking. You even partly overcame the spell from his mask. He easily caught your knees, pushing them open again so they could not crush his head. Your hip bucked as his tongue tormented a sweet spot, but he held you down. Until you came again, crying out his name. He eagerly licked you clean, sending prickling shockwaves through your exhausted body.

Dizzy and relishing in the afterglow you felt Higgs picking you up, in order to transfer you to the now more than necessary shower back in your room.

**_Apopemptic valedictory_ **

The last time Higgs took you to the beach was somberly peaceful. A wave of static washed over you, announcing his arrival. Turning around you were faced with torturously sad eyes. He stood in your room, shoulders slouched, his form trembling, utter defeat surrounded him like the fractured pieces of his broken halo.

You walked over and embraced him, unfortunately you were barely able to reach his soul. It took him a while before he returned the hug. Gently rubbing his back you failed to notice the jump. Not until you heard the familiar sound of the waters and feeling the otherworldly ocean breeze on your skin. For a long moment you stayed like this. In a tight embrace, sensing each others heartbeat.

The quiet wind made the flowers and grass slowly sway back and forth. Higgs had turned the beach into a chapel of your shared bond. A cathedral filled with delicate flowers and rays of soft and warm light. Endless hours were spend here in deeply devoted intimacy, uttermost bliss and ultimately love. A once forsaken, surreal realm had transformed into a place better than reality. At least for the two of you. With that the flowers had morphed into a symbol of your shared fate. Their bright colors were now tinted with grief.

He was the first to let go. Higgs softly grabbed your face. His hands may have been stained with innocent blood, but you unquestioning allowed him to soil your pure skin with them. He gave you a mournful look, then resting his forehead against yours, he reminisced what he loved most about you. The ability to gift him peace.

How many times had he stayed at your side while you slept soundly, his golden hood gently placed around your shoulders, shielding you from the nightmares by cloaking you in chiralium. Great golden beasts guarding your relaxed form, deeply dedicated in protecting you, for you were his treasure.

For him there was hardly any relief from the plaguing visions of doom. However, with your steady breathing audible beside him, your sweet scent mingling with his, comforting warmth radiating off of you to be eagerly soaked up by him, he stood a chance to gain some rest. Your loving touches and kisses had weaved a fragile dreamcatcher for him to carry in his soul.

Your bond had withstood many things. But now…

This was goodbye.

A bitter fact invading your mind, infecting your soul, slowly but surely rotting the happiness away.

Please don’t go.

You wanted to say those words capable of preventing his leave, but your voice betrayed you.

Please don’t go!

You wanted to beg for him to stay, but your tongue betrayed you.

_Please don’t go!_

You wanted to scream, to cry, to tear at his clothes, to grasp him and never letting go, ever again, but your body betrayed you. All you could do was standing in front of him, foreheads presst together. In a silent understanding, build from a unique relationship, your souls entwined one more time, vividly reliving the creation of your connection.

One last time he sealed your lips with his. The kiss tasted bittersweet. A moment frozen in eternity. A memory preserved like a fly in amber. He held you in the tightest embrace, cradling you, kissing your head now and then.

The sensation of the chiral jump felt comfortingly familiar. Static tickling across skin and raising body hair, the weird dry metallic taste of the void. Had you grown quite used to it over time, accepting it belonged to him, just like you belonged to Higgs.

You kept your eyes shut, for you knew when you opened them again, he would be gone. Black tears were streaming down your cheeks, pooling at your chin, dripping down and staining the dull metal floor. His scent lingered around you, hugged you like he did before.

Your mind franticly tried to hold on to his face, burning every little detail into your skull in order to preserve it forever. His coy smile. His blazing eyes. Kisses, touches, deeper intimacy. Everything.

You could still hear the waves gently reaching the shore, washing over the sand. Darkness met darkness. You could still feel his arms wrapped around you, cuddling you. Darkness met light.

Blindly you sank down to the floor. Curling yourself up and ignoring the coldness seeping into your bones. Still unwaveringly refusing to open your eyes. Denial clamored through your veins. Your shaking hands clutched the tattered remains of a golden strand.

You fell asleep eventually, with frail golden particles dancing around your shivering form, silently singing the teariest lullaby, before they floated upwards, gloriously burning up and vanishing into the void. He haunted you in your dream that night. His face beaten and mind broken.

Higgs was done.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have this weird head canon, that Higgs can’t swim. He never learned it as a child and later never needed to, teleportation and so on. Just as a little info in regards of the bath in the ocean :)


	2. Interlude

Shattered dreams of liquid gold

Higgs.

Higgs was a lot of things.

Yet he was nothing, all while

a forcefully formed connection

sparked attraction worth a trial.

To you he was the heavenly weaver of golden strings.

Black and gold, liquid metal and tar.

A voice like honey, dark whiskey. Pure and raw. 

Sinful whispers combing through wet hair.

Abysmal eyes searching the horizon.

Waters and sands entwined.

Higgs.

Higgs was nothing but a haughty, ignorant, golden, godlike schmuck.

For believing in red clad lies.

For denying the brother’s victory.

Glistening like chiralium.

With his borrowed powers.

He who fooled himself.

Puppet hanging on invisible strings,

unknowingly guided by extinction herself.

Hedonistic and greedy.

Sopping hubris concluding in shards.

His golden crown, ripped from his face,

broken, shattered into a hundred pieces.

Forsaken by his might, bound to exile.

Bleeding, bruised skin.

Eagles feasting on his liver.

Paying for every sin.

Prometheus.

Higgs was a lot of things and at the same time nothing at all.

Higgs was nothing and at the same time he was everything.

The bleeding particle of god that permeated all existence.

A fleeting particle.

Vanishing quietly into the void.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I could not resist and had to recycle my little poem Liquid Gold.


	3. Tranquillum

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Major Spoiler Warning!!!
> 
> After being left to rot on the beach, Higgs spends his time thinking about his life. And about you.

**Tranquillum**

Staring down the gaping barrel of a rifle Higgs feared death again. Vivid flashbacks haunted his inner eye. Numerous horrifyingly precise details pushed past his senses, applying enough pressure to crush them.

Smoldering cigarette butts, bloodied knuckles and drunkenly barked threats. Blue smoke crawled into his throat, scratching his lungs sore. The disgusting smell of burned flesh tilting his stomach sideways, worse than the pungent scent of too much alcohol. The coppery taste of his own blood pooling in his mouth, dripping from his chin. Fists raining down on him. And the pain that followed. His silent, unheard pleads towards any God, stained with bitter tears. The gnawing desire for revenge acting as the only comfort in the darkness of his room, until the next day, when everything repeated itself. An infinite loop of atrocities.

However, at the same time he relived the immeasurable feeling of power flowing through his veins, as he ended a life, the life of his tormentor, with his bare hands. How he had tasted sweet freedom for the very first time. Until the entity had coaxed him into serving her. His raise into a godlike being. The herald of death. An unstoppable force of nature, inevitably bound to fall. A victim turned into a culprit only to be judged like one. That may not be a vindication but an explanation.

The safety of the gun clicked, impatiently questioning.

Finally he was reminded of his own mortality. He was no God nor prophet. Not even a herald. Just a broken man. And broken like he was he choose not to end his life.

Left alone and exiled he began falling apart. A black tear rolled down his bruised cheek. Higgs started walking next to the water, slowly following the shoreline. Soft wind swirled around his now light hair.

He remembered. The feeling of your skin against his. The sensation of your lips against his, your mouth on his scars. Fingertips ghosting across his torso. Your heavenly touch, capable of bringing him peace.

He continued walking, but no matter how far he went, the surroundings never changed. He passed the same rocks numerous times. Exhausted he haltered and sank down. Kneeling next to the ocean, the water washed around him every now and then.

He remembered your promise, quietly whispered to his ears. The promise that you would never leave him. The promise which reinforced your bond on the highest possible level, ultimately melting your souls together.

It pained him even more to think about how your bond was now seemingly broken.

Higgs waded into the dark water. Ready to be consumed by the cold waves. Stopping for a moment he gazed into the liquid abyss. His reflection stared back at him. He eyed himself like a stranger, while his shadow ensured him that there was no salvation for his cursed soul.

The cold water reached his hip as he threw himself into the waves, well aware this meant the end for him. Darkness consumed him. The last thing he noticed was an invisible force which grabbed him and pulled.

When he opened his eyes again he found himself lying at the beach, drenched from the salted waters. Apparently he was even denied death.

And so, utterly alone with his anger, tears and pain, he prayed. Higgs prayed to the mightiest entity he knew, the only goddess he ever accepted without thinking. And despite that his blind faith had ultimately led him here, he prayed for her to fix this misery and finally liberate him from his suffering.

The unearthly air could still burn ones lungs, while the breeze seemed colder but clearer. The sky held a surreal, silver tone. Shimmering clouds gathered near the horizon, separating water from heavens. The invisible sun adorned her realm with beautiful golden rays.

The sunflowers had died long ago. Withered away. Dead fish and crabs littered the strand. And in the middle of death, surrounded by decay, a hunched over figure sat in the sand.

"Higgs?"

He barely recognized your voice.

Kneeling next to him, he refused to look at you. Probably thinking you were just a ghost brought here to haunt him.

You gently cupped his face, bringing his eyes towards yours. The blue spark was still glowing within them, but veiled with grief. Carefully not to hurt him, you brushed the tar from his bruised cheeks, trying to clean his beaten face. Your loving gaze endowed him with sympathy.

Without thinking he fell into your arms. You welcomed him and held him tight, not intended on ever letting go again. Caressing his now bright hair, you hummed a soothing melody, while he cried.

"How..how did you find me?", he asked, as he slowly calmed down.

You just smiled.

"Let’s go home.", you said, carefully taking his hand.

He nodded.

"Let’s go home."

And so you went. Together.

**Author's Note:**

> Dear Peggysuave, ich hoffe es hat Ihnen gefallen ;)
> 
> Thank you for reading :)


End file.
